​When we’re not getting the intimacy we crave

“Who is driving Timmie with his football team to the match this Saturday?”

“I’ll do the groceries after work, so you can pick up the car from the garage.”

“If Beth and Sue will be at our place for dinner at 7, we can still cram in a little visit to your parents before and ask them to take care of the cat and the plants during our holiday.”

Many of the couples that I work with live by their shared calendars.

They – like so many of us – run their household together like one would run a company, being colleagues of sorts.

Sometimes it runs like an oiled machine.

Sometimes….well…not so much.

But that’s life. And it’s great if they can – and hopefully most of the time – support their significant other.

After all, they’re doing life together.

But, (drum roll please!) they are also sharing a bed together.

And this is the reason why these couples come to me.

Because in the bedroom, often designated to be THE space in the house where both partners can freely be intimate and vulnerable with each other, the intimacy has dried up.

We kiss each other good night and good morning.

If we’re lucky, we mightspoon a bit at night, enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort.

But for many couples, often not even that.

We make a good household team, yes.

But then you wonder when passion and polarity went out the window?

Was it me? Is it you?

I don’t want sex.

Or at least not the sex I’m getting.

Why the fuck do they want sex?

No time. Too tired. Too anxious.

What happened? When did what happen?

I get to work with couples that want to change things up, and make their way back to a nourishing intimate connection with both themselves and their partner, both physically and emotionally.

The first step is to have a conversation about what you want, and what you don’t want.

Or maybe even admitting to yourself in the first place that you really don’t know what you want. But that you are eager and open to find out. For yourself. For your partner. With your partner.

The second step is actually scheduling quality time with each other.

In the shared calendar.

If you can’t find or create space for that, it’s apparently not a priority.

Maybe it’s a good idea to ask yourself why this is not a priority?

And I’m not talking about needing to get to states of sheer bliss and pure ecstasy together, 24/7, experiencing every single day as a hedonistic party.

I’m talking about learning how to step into a loving and nourishing connection with each other.

When this connection is there, sensual and sexual things that feel great may happen.

You may find out what feels great.

You may find out what your partner truly likes.

You may even discover you can actually have a deep sexual experience while just stroking each other’s arms and hands.

Most importantly, you may discover how to be truly intimate with each other, in whatever form this presents itself in the moment.

To truly see your partner and feel truly seen by them is one of the greatest blessings one can experience in a relationship.